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Down But Not Out
by Chuck & Jan Fallon

Down But Not Out was a presentation shared at the 2008 Women's Expo at Bear Valley Church. Because of requests for the material, it is published below:

Hi. My name is Jan... and I'm disappointed.

I'm disappointed that after showing my hair stylist EXACTLY how I want my hair, she cuts it way too short. Then says, "I cut the top a little differently than the picture, 'cuz I think you'll like it better." When I finally learn how to work with the style, it's time to get it cut again.

I'm disappointed that when I separate, wash, dry, and fold a load of laundry for my son, I find it in a heap on his bedroom floor, so that it will inevitably end up back in the laundry room, even though it has NEVER BEEN WORN!

I'm disappointed that after 23 years of marriage, sometimes Chuck and I struggle with the same hurdles that we have always had as a couple and as individuals. Sometimes it's so exhausting all we can do is hold on to each other and cry.

I'm disappointed that after 40 years pursuing relationships with my brothers, I finally stopped calling them. That was over three years ago, and they haven't even noticed - or worse, they just might be relieved.

I'm disappointed that after paying taxes since I was 18 on a piece of family property, I don't have any right to ownership. Now that it is finally worth something - it will cost a great deal to attempt to claim the right to sell. And then I would probably have to share it with my brothers...

I'm disappointed that even after opening as many doors as I can, being a moving vehicle for God to steer, looking to Him for guidance and pleading with Him to show me His path and provision, He had the audacity to say, "No."

Now don't get too nervous about me calling God audacious, I looked up the word and it does means "rude", but it also means "bold." Lately it seems that God has taken some bold steps to disappointment me.

One day pretty recently, recent enough to make this talk on disappointment all too relevant, I prayed to God, again, to open up avenues to bless our work. I had done everything I knew how to do to be part of the process: listed the practice on search engines, applied for contract work through agencies, listed our drama collection for sale online, submitted articles for publications... and the list goes on and on. I totally expected God to bless these avenues, but so far they have all fallen flat. Not one response, sale or contract.

So on that "one day pretty recently", I prayed like this.... "Please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please..." And I heard in a smidgen of a second His clear answer, "No."

Do any of you have children? You know when they ask for something and you say "No"? I don't know about your kids, but mine keep asking. As if asking again, maybe in a different way, with a different set of reasons, with a renewed emphasis and persistence that if they could ONLY make me SEE IT THEIR WAY, a "Yes" would be the only answer.

This is what I had done to God. I totally expected a "Yes." After all, there was no malice involved; this was years of hard work, all that I had to offer, all my resources - my best effort. "Yes" was the obvious answer. I left no room for a "No," so I couldn't hear His answer. I wore myself out straining for a "Yes."

If you know me at all, you know I just humbled myself before God, bowed my head and said, "Thy will be done, Father." NOT. I am right now in the process of kicking and screaming. I went from a "glass half-full" kind of person to a "glass toppled over and rolling toward the edge of the table to splash and crash on the floor" kind of person.

Hi. My name is Jan, and I'm disappointed.

Where does this "No" fit in? If "I have not because I ask not," why do I still have not when I knoweth forsureth that I askethed?

What about these comforting sayings, "God has a great and wonderful plan for your life" or "When God closes a door, he opens a window"?

I saw a documentary once about the resort city of Liguria, located on the Italian Riviera. It is custom in Liguria for artists to paint a facade of beautiful windows on the tall stucco houses. They are painted so intricately, so perfectly, with billowing curtains, shutters, flowers, and shadows, that from the street below they look incredibly real. There's an old saying, "If it looks like duck, walks like a duck, and quacks like a duck, it's a DUCK!" But what if it looks like a window and it's not?

Here I sit with the door closed, and every time I see an open window and try to crawl through it, I just hit a brick wall. What if "When God closes a door, he closes a window?"

Once I realized that the window was closed, I had no choice but to STOP. I'm like the guy in a riddle seeking a way out of a room with no doors or no windows. It's easy for him. He has a stick. All he has to do is break the stick in half, put it back together so he has a whole, then climb through it.

But I have to WAIT.

You might be thinking, "Wow. Jan is messed up. She sure isn't happy." And you'd be right. In "Get Out of That Pit" Beth Moore says...

So much of our propensity toward pit-dwelling springs from the fact that somewhere down deep inside, we just don't trust God (emphasis added). We think He's like all the others who have cheated or betrayed us. As my friend, Chris Thom, says, "God is not just a big us." Like Adam and Eve, we let the enemy taunt us into believing God is holding out on us. Our drive for the proverbial forbidden fruit is our innate belief that what we are denied is exactly what we want most (page 83).

Oh, she nailed me. I feel so tricked and cheated at times that if there was an apple to eat I'd even eat the core.

So what do I do? I can't fake happiness. I want to genuinely trust my Lord and Savior. I want to believe His plan. I want to climb through His open window. I want out of the pit.

Chuck -
In one of his radio broadcasts, nationally syndicated talkshow host Dennis Prager makes a strong claim that religious people have a moral obligation to at least pursue happiness. That is a strong challenge - that we have a moral obligation to pursue happiness. Wow. So what do you do if you are feeling genuine disappointment? Fake it? Pretend it doesn't exist? I'd suggest that we do neither. Don't fake it, don't deny it. I suggest that we learn to fight through it.

Why not begin with giving ourselves permission to be genuinely disappointed? Since Jan and I chose this topic to present at the Women's Expo, God seems to have given us plenty of opportunities to be down but not out. One of the most significant for me was when we cancelled our dinner that we host twice a year to encourage married couples. We call the dinner Steps to a Better Place. We have done the Steps dinner twice a year for five years and have always sold out, but this time we did not have enough interest. This seemed like a good thing - encouraging couples to invest in their marriage. Why wouldn't God bless this effort? I was flooded with questions of why, and doubts about who I am and what I have to offer. I am disappointed, and a little confused.

Where do disappointments come from? When we feel disappointed there is an expectation that is not fulfilled. Some have made the error that the appropriate path is to diminish the desire. After all, if there is no expectation, there is no disappointment. Simon & Garfunkel had a hit song that addressed this very idea. Some of the lyrics are:

I am a rock, I am an island;
A rock feels no pain,
And an island never cries.

Don't get me wrong, I believe that it is appropriate to review our expectations to determine whether they are valid, or even good, before we act on them. I suspect that most of our disappointments come from legitimate, God-honoring desires for good things. When we try to kill the desires we have a real problem on our hands: we are taking on God.

See, Psalm 139 tells us that God knit us in our mother's womb. That is a very intimate, involved process. He placed His image upon us, and I believe a huge part of that image is the longing to connect, to belong, to matter in this world. I'm convinced God won't allow us to kill His image within us. People can dull the desire with addictions, or wear themselves out wrestling with Him, but in the end my money's on God.

So, if we don't deny it and we don't fake it, how do we move from disappointment to happiness? I must admit that I am a fellow traveler on this path, trying to figure things out as I go. This isn't a talk on "Seven Steps to Happiness", these are merely some thoughts that have helped me and I hope will help others.

On a very practical level, Dr. Dan Baker in his book "What Happy People Know," has identified four attitudes that will stifle our movement toward happiness. He identifies them with the acronym VERBs. To the extent that we embrace these attitudes, we will hinder our movement toward happiness.

The first attitude is Victimization.
Victimization is the belief, I am a victim and woe is me. Now, we have all been victims at times. Some of us have endured unkindness and neglect; others have survived horrific abuse. Being a victim is a fact, but victimization is an attitude that stifles growth and hinders happiness. Baker says "Other people can hurt you, but only you can victimize yourself" ( page 159).

Entitlement
This attitude says Because I exist, somebody owes me! It is the spoiled child throwing a tantrum to get his way. Baker points out, "Despite its entrenchment in our society, entitlement is contrary to human nature. The human mind, body, and spirit thrive on struggle and challenge, just as a muscle thrives on exercise. Satisfaction without effort doesn't create happiness" (page 164). If this were not true, wouldn't lottery winners be the happiest people in the world? Read their stories, and you'll find that most of them are not happy at all.

Rescue
Somebody rescue me! is the cry of this attitude. I want to balance this and acknowledge that we each need help at times, and the freeflow of giving and receiving is one of the hallmarks of a healthy community. However, this attitude rarely, if ever, gives. It instead looks for a knight in shining armor to rescue me out of my dungeon. "Many of us are looking for rescue without even knowing it. All we know is that something is missing from our lives and that we can't possibly be happy until we have it. As a general rule, men look more to money for rescue, and women look more to relationships" (page 169).

Blame
It's somebody's fault! This attitude works to find the culprit of our unhappiness, as if that person is a thief who can return the prized possession of joy. "Blame isn't responsibility. Responsibility is about using personal power and making changes. Blame is about sabotaging personal power and staying frozen in fear" (page 176).

Avoiding VERBs can be a helpful step toward fighting for happiness.

Another book that I have found helpful regarding handling life's struggles is Philip Yancey's "Disappointment With God." Instead of digging into the nuts and bolts of disappointment, Yancey encourages us to take a higher view - one from God's perspective. To introduce what I gained from this, I have asked the question to many parents; "Do you encourage your kids to get a good education?" I have never had anyone shake their head and say, "Pshh, nah!"

Why do we encourage our kids to get a good education? Have you ever had your kids enter into high school and say something like, "When am I ever going to need to know how to find the square root of a binomial?" To which I would answer, "Well, son, because... what's a binomial?"

The audience laughs when I say this, and then they offer the real answers. Education opens doors for you. It creates possibilities for good careers, an enjoyable and meaningful life. It's future-oriented, they will need knowledge to succeed.

You could say that knowledge is the currency of successful living in our culture. What if God is telling us the same thing about faith? What if faith is the currency of successful living in the kingdom of God and he really is just setting us up to wildly succeed?

The journey we take is goal-oriented. Most of us graduate, begin a career, enter into a courtship and wed, and raise a family. These are some common goals, and we have learned that the shortest distance between point A (where you are) and point B (where you want to be) is a straight line. But life rarely goes in straight lines. For example, did you expect to be where you are today when you first entered adulthood? Probably not. There were decision points, or corrections, in our paths as we pursued our goals. There are many of these defining points in our lives - a career opportunity; a car accident; a romantic interest; the loss of a job, or a health crisis. As you look at your story, how often did God use disappointment to adjust your path?

There are two sections of scripture that I want to look at as we consider this process of disappointment building faith.

The first is from John chapter 6. Jesus has performed some miracles, done some teaching, and then he makes a wild statement. He tells His followers that unless you eat the flesh of the Son of Man and drink his blood you have no life in you. What did he say? Do we really have to become cannibals? Many of His disciples found this teaching too hard and turned away from Him. Then He turned to those who remained and asked if they were going to leave also. It seems like Jesus was making it harder than it needed to be. The text makes it clear that He already knew who did not believe in Him. If he wanted to remove them, why didn't He just walk through the group and point them out and tell them to go away? And then to turn to the Twelve and ask them if they were leaving, also, seems almost harsh. Why put them through this?

I believe it is because they needed to hear Peter's answer, when he said, "Where would we go? You have the words of eternal life." I must admit that there are times when God confuses me, even frustrates and angers me. With my head I believe that He does this for good reasons, but emotionally it sometimes seems He is being unnecessarily distant, or worse, mean. Yet, when I get brutally honest with myself the conclusion is that I have nowhere else to go, He alone has the words of eternal life. In spite of confusion, hurt, or anger, we need to humbly stay with the One who is the source of life.

The second scripture I want to review is in Romans 12. Paul is giving instruction to the church about relating to others. Some of it is easy to understand, "Hate what is evil; cling to what is good." But some of the instruction is difficult and counter-intuitive. Things like "Be patient in affliction" and "Bless those who persecute you." He also tells us "Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn." How can we mourn with others if nobody is mourning? I believe that Paul is calling to something that humans are uniquely capable of doing: stepping outside of ourselves (our situation, emotions, concerns, fears, etc.) to enter into the experience of another. This is not easy, it takes intentionality.

Here's how I've experienced this. I think God probably chuckles in these moments. My natural tendency when I've gone through disappointing seasons is to withdraw and isolate. This is not an option for a Licensed Professional Counselor if he wants to continue working! There have been moments as I waited for a client to arrive when I have felt empty, useless, and have asked out loud, "Why would you do this to me, God? Why would you do this to my clients?"  It takes about 3 minutes of a client telling his or her story and I forget that I'm empty and that I have nothing to offer! It transcends my current situation and we enter into a moment where my disappointment and insecurities fade into the background. They are still there, they still exist, but they do not define who I am, what I'm worth, or how I interact with others.

Jan -
One thing for sure, when I'm stuck in a room with no door or window, I start to get desperate. If you're a tad claustrophobic like me, the walls get so close you can hardly move. The air gets stale and you frantically search for a stream of fresh air. Your senses become heightened to the possible presence of God.

When I feel such desperation, I read Revelation. I read it for one simple reason - it promises a blessing. "Blessed is the one who reads the word of this prophecy..." says Rev 1:3.   Revelation is an epic drama with a cataclysmic ending. Its imagery is utterly fantastic, its terror so profound, its beauty so surreal, the volume of mystery and majesty so great it's truly hard to imagine it could be a real event in a not too distant future.

This passage humbled me. Finally, it happened! In Revelation 6:9-11 it reads this:

When he opened the fifth seal, I saw under the altar the souls of those who had been slain because of the word of God and the testimony they had maintained. They called out in a loud voice, "How long, Sovereign Lord, holy and true, until you judge the inhabitants of the earth and avenge our blood?" Then each of them was given a white robe, and they were told, WAIT A LITTLE LONGER! (emphasis added)

Audacious! If God calls us to wait in a room with no doors or windows, we are, at least, in the very best of company. If the Lord can tell these dear souls to wait: wait while He finishes His epic story; wait while He triumphs over evil; wait while He wipes the tears from our eyes; wait while He calls us to glory - we can wait along side them.

I mentioned earlier about the comforting saying "God has a great and wonderful plan for your life." During my recent struggle I had to flip that around, because I just wasn't feeling it! In a particularly lucid moment, I thought, "What if His promise is that my life is part of His glorious plan?" Perhaps it's not so much about the intricacies of my life as it is about that I stay faithful and true to Him and His plan?

Do we have a role in His magnificent, climactic, epic drama that unfolds in Revelation? I can tell you right now, we DO!

You received a white stone earlier with your name on it. Now hold it with the blank side facing you and listen to what the Lord says in Revelation 2:17:

He who has an ear, let him hear what the Spirit says to the churches. To him who overcomes, I will give some of the hidden manna. I will also give him a white stone with a new name written on it, known only to him who receives it.

That is so mysterious, isn't it? A white stone with your name on it? A name known only to you? That excites me. What is my name on the white stone? Today my name is Jan, and I'm disappointed - but not for long. Soon I will have a new name.

When we stand together in Heaven, shoulder to shoulder receiving our white stones, I hope we have a greeting time, like we do here at Bear Valley Church during morning service. So when I turn around to meet the person next to me I'll be able to say, "Hi, my name is Happy, and I am NOT disappointed."    

copyright 11/07